I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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