I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
