he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
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