How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Randomize
