Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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