So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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