Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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