Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
