New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
