stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
