the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
