then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
