where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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