my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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