At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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