My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
