someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Randomize
