I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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