Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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