I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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