I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
