Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
he fucked my hip out of place.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
