Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
