Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
