96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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