I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
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