Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
