All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
