I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
