I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
She's the barista slut.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
