Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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