I will die if light touches me.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
