Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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