I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
