Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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