this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize