If i could tip my vagina, i would.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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