I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
