Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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