we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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