I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
