splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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