I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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