I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
