I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
