Swine flu. Run for my life!
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
