A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
