im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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