Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i dont even know how to be here
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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