Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize