Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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