apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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