Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
