oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
