Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
