My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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