Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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