I'm going to jail i love you
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
