My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I'm passing your future prison.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
