My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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