pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Why can't burritos get me drunk
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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